The North Bend Eagle

 

Royal couple promises greatness

by Nathan Arneal
Published 9/21/16

The election of 2016 came to a close Friday night with Tyler Doernemann and Alexandria Humlicek being crowned king and queen of North Bend Central Homecoming.

Homecoming royaltyTyler Doernemann and Alexandria Humlicek were crowned king and queen of NBC's Homecoming.

After a campaign season that was rarely intense and full of name calling, both pledged to get to work right away in an effort to Make NBC Great Again.
Much of the controversy this season has been centered around the idea of building a wall around the North Bend school district – and making Scribner pay for it.

However, Doernemann is against the idea, being that he lives outside the district, even though he legally immigrated to NBC several years ago. He suggested building a wall of corn around the district, since there is probably already one there.

Humlicek, who has been code named “Alex” by the secret service, had a more delicious idea, taken from the Wonkian school of thought.

“I would create a river flowing with dark, delicious melted chocolate that surrounds the NBC district,” she said. “I would also have plenty of bridges made out of giant fluffy marshmallows.”

In a move that drew very little ire, both candidates refused to release their health records during the campaign. This came to the forefront when video surfaced of Humlicek looking woozy and needing assistance to stay upright near the finish line of an 800-meter race last spring.

Doernemann admitted his silence about his health was intended to trick the voters.

“As king I try to promote heathy eating among children, believe me,” he said, “but in reality I have an addiction to eating junk food myself and if people found out about my extremely high risk of having a heart attack, they would think I am quite the hypocrite. Sad.”

Now that he is king, Doernemann said he will commence making North Bend great again. He will start by introducing legislation to install a milk machine in the school and to expand Drive Your Tractor to School Day during National Ag Week to the entire school year.

“Because nothing says GREAT like tractors and an ice cold chocolate milk,” Doernemann said. “That much I can tell you. Believe me.”

Humlicek also drew fire from opponents for using her own e-mail service instead of an nbtigers.org account. Hackers released a batch of her deleted e-mails, but they were mostly Pintrest notifications and Sperry ads.

Doernemann’s e-mail was also broken into, with hackers releasing dozens of e-mails from coach Streff telling him to watch more game film.
Humlicek set lofty goals for her agenda.

“We would implement a policy for pursuing learning, understanding and controlling issues of bullying and how the school can be one and not many,” she said.

Queen Humlicek is the daughter of Gary and Brenda Humlicek of Linwood. She is active in volleyball, basketball, track, NB club, Spanish club, science club, FBLA and National Honor Society.

King Doernemann is the son of John and Donna Doernemann of Dodge. He participates in football, FFA, Spanish club, science club and NB club.

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