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The North Bend Eagle


 

Redheads seize power

by Nathan Arneal
Published 10/6/10

The bitter struggle has mercifully come to an end.

2010 NBC Homecoing royalty
Queen Katie Mann and King Eric Kloke.

With King Connor Emanuel and Queen Juila Minarick being conspicuous in their absence from the district for a multitude of weeks, the Kingdom of the Tiger has been engulfed with infighting and discontent as ambitious nobility from all reaches of the realm have fought to fill the leadership vacuum.

After the dust settled from all the political maneuvering and back-room brokering, Eric Kloke and Katie Mann emerged with crowns perched atop their auburn locks.

The newly minted royal pair promise a ginger-friendly rule, both issuing decrees that anyone making fun of red hair will be thrown into the darkest depths of the dungeon.

It is rumored many of the kingdom’s blonde and brunette courtiers spent the weekend dying their hair in hopes of finding favor in the Kloke-Mann court. Others have simply fled across the river, huddling in makeshift villages in the remote reaches of the Bohemian Alps, hoping to escape the notice of the Kingdom’s Honor Guard.

While the Kingdom enjoys a precarious peace, some royal observers worry that it may not last as gossip flies that the royal couple assumed power on the back of promises they can’t keep.

“I promised a lot of dates,” Kloke said, “but there’s not enough of me to go around.”

He also said that the Queen threatened to use the guillotine if he made good on his promises of dates.

The Queen isn’t free from scrutiny either. She said she promised to bake cookies in exchange for votes, but the peasants are already whispering that even if she carriers through with her promise, the masses will be disappointed in her cooking to the point it could spark revolt.

There’s even conspiracy theories floating that Kloke and Mann have been secretly plotting this takeover for years while disguising it as “dating.”

Scandal or not, Kloke and Mann will have to deal with the reality of a sluggish economy. Kloke already has a plan in place.

“I’ll give away Mountain Dew to everyone,” he said, “so they will be happy and spend more money.”

Mann had a more direct method. Her plan calls for a stimulus package consisting of everything in the King’s bank account.

Both of the ruling couple hope to pattern themselves after royal role models. Kloke said he seeks guidance from TV’s King of Queens, hoping to one day be as funny and fat as him.

Mann said she sees their reign being similar to the Beauty and the Beast, with herself as the Beauty and the King as the Beast, of course.

When disputes arise between North Bend’s newest royalty, there will be no doubt who will make the important decisions.

“I will,” Mann said. “We already know who rules this relationship.”

Asked for comment, Kloke said, “Yes, dear.”

King Eric is the son of Chris and Linnae Kloke and is active in cross country, basketball, track, Spanish Club, NB Club, pep band and jazz band at NBC.

Queen Katie is the daughter of Kim Mann-Davenport and Chris Mann. She participates in softball, basketball, track, NB Club, Spanish Club, student council, science club, one acts and band.

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